In the rural Minnesota Lutheran culture where I grew up in the
50s and 60s, it was a sign of serious intent when we came home with a friend of
the opposite sex to meet the family.
In my case Judy was the only girl I ever brought home. We were serious by that time and my parents
were probably relieved, given I was already 25 years old and had never had a steady
girlfriend – the common age of marriage was the late teens or early twenties. Was time getting away from me? I met Judy, a girl from far off Montana, when
I was working in my first job after college.
All three of my siblings met their future spouses while attending Luther
college. They were all from mid-west
states, of sound Norwegian stock, and Lutherans. Being Christian, preferably not a Catholic,
was for us an implicit criterion for choosing a life partner.
Lois remembers bringing her boyfriend Jerry Lerum to
the farm for the first time and dad asking where his ancestors came from in
Norway, checking out his pedigree. “From
Sogne” said Jerry, to which dad replied, “I’ve never heard of anything good coming
out of Sogne”. Of course, he spoke in
jest, but it was a bit of a shock for Jerry, and we all laughed about it later,
appreciating dad’s wry humor. Our parents were very pleased and accepting of
all our spouses, though grandma Ellen Aaker once got a bit confused telling
uncle Maynard about Jerold Lerum. She said–
“he’s a catholic, you know”. Maynard
clarified for her that Jerry was not a Catholic, but indeed he was a democrat –
almost as bad!
Sister Jean brought Bill Berg home at Christmas when he
had the opportunity to partake in our tradition of a full Norwegian meal with
lutefisk, lefsa, and all the trimmings. As
the family sat down to the table dad said he supposed that Bill surely liked
lutefisk, being that he was of Norwegian heritage. Bill was not especially fond of this delicacy,
but wanting to fit right in, so he said of course he did. He took a small portion when it passed by and
was able to consume this small serving without gagging, but when dad saw how
much Bill “liked lutefisk” he heaped Bill’s plate with another large helping as
Bill sagged in the chair. He made it
through the meal like a good sport, but with his belly rumbling through the
sleepless night, he wondered if he could avoid another Christmas meal and still
stay in good stead with the family.
While courting is an ancient practice, dating is a relatively recent term which falls into the broad category of courtship and consists of specific social events carried out by the couple when (in those days) the boy asked the girl to go out on a date.
The earliest usage of
the noun "date" is in 1896 by George Ade, a columnist for the ChicagoRecord.[1] who used the term "Date Book" - a type of
ledger system a cashier might use to track dates with suitors until she married.
“A young man lamented that his girlfriend is seeing
other people that are "fillin' all my dates," as in ‘the dates on her
calendar’."
In previous generations in our family courting was somewhat
different then today and certainly more local.
My father, Arnold, as well as his three brothers, found their future
spouses in neighboring towns not more than a dozen miles from home. My folks met at a “sociable” – a kind of
neighborhood gathering with food, ice cream and games, often organized by a
church that invited other church communities for an evening of good socializing
with friends and neighbors in an outdoor setting in summer time. Dad’s brothers said that Arnold was infatuated
with mom from the beginning. Being a shy
man, I can imagine the time when he got up the nerve to ask her out for the
first time; “I spose’ you wouldn’t want to go out with me, would you?”
They enjoyed going to dances, social events and church
together. They might have gone to movies
too, a common dating activity in succeeding generations, but I doubt it. There
were a few silent movies in the 1920s, but not many opportunities given that
there was no theatre in Kenyon.
Dad was working in the local gravel pit on a stone crusher and
had enough cash to buy his first car – a 1930 Ford model “A” coupe. Once he came home from work and rushed into
the house to get spiffed up for a date with Inez. In his hurry he forgot to set the hand brake. When he came out of the house all dressed up,
he found the car had rolled down the hill, through a fence, and into the river. Coming
out of the barn his father, Olaf, roundly scolded him (in Norwegian) for being so
lovestruck and foolish.
Although there were strong taboos in many cultures throughout
history regarding premarital sex, this has become
increasingly common with the onset of the sexual revolution. In movies, television and music,
sex within dating has become increasingly accepted as a natural progression of
the relationship.
For sure, social mores mitigated against pre-marital sex during
the time and place of my youth, but in every graduating high school class there
was at least one couple who “had to get married’ – sometimes meaning the
pregnant girl would drop out of school and not graduate at all. However, co-habitation before marriage was
very rare and frowned upon.
Looking back another generation, my grandparents, Olaf and
Ellen, grew up on neighboring farms and knew each other from childhood. Though the concept of dating may not have
been common in the last decade of the 19th century, certainly some
kind of courting took place. Both born
in 1880, Olaf and Ellen would have shared much time together in school, church,
neighborhood activities and family meals throughout their growing up years. Uncle Maynard, in answer to the question about
how they ended up marrying supposed, “it just seemed to be the natural thing to
do”. Knowing those fine people in their
later years, none of us grandchildren could imagine a hot romance, but it sure
would have been interesting to know that story - one that it never occurred to
us to ask. We are not sure if there was
a party after their wedding on June 7, 1904, or if they went on a honeymoon –
doubtful as it was haying season. There
is a bit of lore that there was a barn dance on the Solberg farm, where Ellen
grew up, the same farm where my siblings and I were raised. Olaf and Ellen Aaker were a wonderful example
to their children and fifteen grandchildren - a devoted couple in a marriage
that lasted 58 years.
Reaching farther back into my ancestry there is a story about the
wedding of my great grandfather, Nils, to his bride Martha Follingstead, as
told in a letter from his father (my great-great grandfather) Knut. Knut and Mari Aaker are the patriarch and
matriarch of the Aaker family in America.
Born in the late 1700s in Telemark, Norway, they emigrated to the
wilderness of Wisconsin with six of their seven children in 1845 when Knut was
48 years old and Mari 46. Ten years later they moved to Goodhue County
Minnesota, to settle on a farm where a fifth generation Aaker, my cousin Paul,
lives today.
In 1863 Knut wrote a letter to his daughter Asbourg and her
husband who remained in Dane County, Wisconsin. In the letter he mentions his youngest child, my
great grandfather, Nils.
“Now comes the news you should have been informed about
earlier- namely that Nils was married this winter to a young lady from Vardal,
(Norway) - Marthe Maria Olsdotter Follingstad.
She is a quiet and gentle young lady and the most we can say about her
yet is that we have good hope, since she has been very inoffensive thus far,
and complies with everything according to what we desire. Yet, we do not know her further; we had not
seen her nor she us before she moved home to us on the evening of 26th
February; (1863). They were married on
the day after, and the wedding took place at Lars’s home, since he has larger
house space and, moreover, I could not stand the noise.”
The Aaker Saga says that they were married at Holden church,
but a party was probably held at his brother Lar’s house. It was easy to get
the whole Aaker clan together on short notice as they all lived on farms within
five miles of each other.
What? Nils brought his
fiancé home to meet the family for the first time and got married the next day! Of course, the first thought I had was to
check out the Aaker Saga, our genealogical record, to see when their first
child was born. Her name was Malina, born in December, 1864 – so, almost two
years after Nils and Martha’s wedding.
All we know about Martha is that the Follingstads were in the Holden
community, as her parents’ graves can be found in the cemetery. But even if the two families were acquainted,
she was apparently completely unknown to his parents when this young lady came
into their lives. What was courtship
like back then? We can only
imagine. I can see my great grandpa Nils,
who was 34 years old when he married, feeling as if time was passing him by. He
had been eying Martha in a pew across the aisle in Church for some time, and
finally got up the courage to ask for her hand in marriage – and he might have
said, “and let’s do it tomorrow!”
All couples have their courting stories. Just ask the question, “How and where did you
two meet?” and follow up with…. “And then what happened?” And be ready to write it down.
